THE WORST NEIGHBORS

I like this site lol! Shame em shame em lol!

The Christmas holiday season really piles on the stress and frustration for all the hellbound non-Christians in America. I should know; I’ve experienced these hardships firsthand and am painfully aware of how difficult life becomes as we approach December 25th. Growing up in a town full of Catholics was particularly depressing for me since my parents are practicing Wiccans and baptized me as one during their “Ceremony of Infinite Glorious Fire and Blood” upon birth. While all the other kids in school were busy writing their Christmas lists and bragging about the high tech, awesome toys that were due to arrive under their trees in a scant few weeks, my parents forced me to harvest small bricks of unrefined ore inside Vex Thal. I don’t mean to sound bitter, as if I harbor some kind of intense grudge against my mom and dad for giving me an oaken barrel full of leaves and pinecones every Christmas season, but I wish we could’ve had a normal holiday celebration at least a single time in my childhood, one that didn’t force me to run through Queen Burrower’s Gauntlet while reciting the eight Sabbats.

Scientologists experience a particularly painful holiday season each Christmas. While their friends and families are out celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ through the time-honored tradition of purchasing jewelry and eating at Applebee’s, members of L. Ron Hubbard’s church must spend 12 consecutive hours inside a “Thought Tunnel,” a small closet full of paint buckets and mops, while a group of official Scientology representatives ranked level 17 or higher flip the light switch on and off, make ghost noises, and repeatedly bang on the door shouting “MOM’S COMING!!!” This procedure is said to help clear their mind of “conflicting conflicts,” and if it doesn’t additionally entice the participant to write a large check to the Church of Scientology, then they are strongly encouraged by armed guards to spend an entire day inside the Citadel of Deep Introspection and Diseased Bats.

So how can good Christians across this great country of whatever help the kind but religiously misguided followers of Xenu enjoy the miracle of Baby Jesus stealing pumpkin mix cans from the Three Wise Men? I feel that Something Awful, a site created with nothing but compassion and community service in mind, can help bridge the gap between these two religions and allow members from both groups enjoy the dynamic rewards each church has to offer. I have put together this official Scientology Holiday Gift Guide so selfless Christians can help spread cheer and good tidings to their brothers who would otherwise spend the holiday reading novels about alien dinosaurs taking over the Earth and forcing humans to change the oil on their UFOs.

SCIENTOLOGY FUN FACT #7326: Before passing away in 1986, L. Ron Hubbard predicted the invention of Gatorade Frost: Riptide Rush, warning “mankind does not stand a chance against the re-hydrating, replenishing, refueling powers of Riptide Rush. For man… he was not meant to consume such blasphemous electrolytes in such vibrant flavors.”

SCIENTOLOGY FUN FACT #361: Upon being asked, “what do you stand for?” by a fellow Scientologist, L. Ron Hubbard looked up into the sky and pointed to the brightest star. “Do you see that star?” he asked. The man admitted he did. “I stand for everything which brought that star into existence.” The man did not understand. “What do you mean?” he asked, curious for more information. “Shut up you cunt,” Hubbard replied. “And clean my goddamn boat before I get my armed guards to beat the shit out you.”

SCIENTOLOGY FUN FACT #1553: L. Ron Hubbard’s corpse is able to absorb living creatures into its pulsating mass, gaining key characteristics of that creature and absorbing its personality.

With your help, we can make this Christmas season truly a time of brotherly love for our Scientologist friends and family members, assuming their religious representatives will provide us with the address of the concrete bunker they are stored inside. Just keep in mind that Scientologists were once human beings like you and I, and despite the fact that they are now crammed full of ghosts and aliens and time traveling zombies or whatever, they still have feelings. Sure it’s the feeling that they’d like to break open a newborn infant’s skull and feast upon its brains, but it’s still a feeling. If you’re particularly generous, you can get me a Christmas gift as well, one that isn’t made of maple syrup and various other essences of mother nature’s limitless bounty. I swear I’m going to strangle myself if I have to dance naked around a fire to celebrate the goddess of nature one more time.

But you have Garrison Keillor right below you every saturday night!